difference between holding a grudge and not forgetting

So she knows whats really going on. endstream endobj startxref You need to ask yourself why. I am and will always be a person of extremes. From our hearts. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change your life by bringing you peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. My bad! I dont know if I have if I cant even say their names when I pray. Try to step out of your own feelings for a moment and think about how the other person feels. Order your copy (link in bio)#recoveringpeoplepleaser #peoplepleasing #healthyboundaries #healthyrelationships #baggagereclaim #codependentnomore #peoplepleasernomore #thejoyofsayingno, When someone shows you who they are thats *information*, not judgment of how good youve been or the effort youve made. Each time I had to be around her she would say, whats wrong? Believe them. The difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships is the way the other person makes you feel. My sister said well, call herShe said, I did. as well as other partner offers and accept our. Getting another person to change isn't the point of forgiveness. I hope we all reach this state and continue NC (and if we fall off, get right back on). thts it. Hey, Im working on it. Reflect on times when others have forgiven you. If you dwell on hurtful events or situations, grudges filled with resentment and hostility can take root. Its bound to be awkward when you break up because avoidance is more difficult. Why Do They Keep Having Sex With Me If Theyre Not Interested Or Dont Want The Relationship I Want? This is an amazing light shed on what could become a problem for me. I am able to focus on the crap he did and realize I do not want another helping. Probably has a harem and a significant other to boot. It is like stepping on a piece of gum and not being able to move forward without that bump on the bottom of your shoe. So, in that case, we would forgive them by letting go of resentment and vengeful thoughts, but we would also get away from them so as to protect ourselves and our OWN spirituality (lest their bad attitudes/behaviors rub off on us). I respect your privacy and only subscribe you to what you've specifically requested. There are other friends who understand but two who dont I feel so much better and less grudging, now that I am starting to appreciate the distance and time I have claimed for myself. Its bordering on the OCD side which can be so frustrating. I dont care if im feeling sorry for myself. Less anxiety, stress and hostility. Stop praying/wishing for the ex to be happy, for the best Blah. You need to handle this with as much clarity and dignity as you can muster, and you know whats best. After 20 months, the XBF recontacted me when he was in town. He told me i would fall to pieces if he left, and I feared that he might be right. The bible also says to flee sexual immorality. She has proven over and over again what kind of person she is and it's the kind you don't want to be around. Never saw my best friend again. My eldest took this photo of me last Tuesday the 10th, launch day for my book, The Joy of Saying No, in the US and Canada. "Mayo," "Mayo Clinic," "MayoClinic.org," "Mayo Clinic Healthy Living," and the triple-shield Mayo Clinic logo are trademarks of Mayo Foundation for Medical Education and Research. 30 Signs That Someone Isnt Interested Or Is Half-Heartedly Interested In You: How To Avoid Being a Passing-Time Candidate. ", "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at Ambrosia Treatment Center, told INSIDER. Yet he wanted to to be friends with me and kept emailing calling after we broke up. Lol, Grace! You will always remember. I dont want to be around YOU. P.S. And dont feel guilty about it. Ill definitely remember that. i even had a realtionship between and had to break up with the guy becasue I kept missing the other one, which was when I decided to be friends with the ex I have feelings for. but a lot of whether or not you feel forgiving comes down to whats happened that day, what youve eaten, your hormones and all manner of things that you cant do a lot about. Its like my old AC all over again. This after calling me Satans spawn at one point for me not being as infuriated as she was at a woman who suggested that my aunts 5$ haircut wasnt the most stylish thing shed ever seen. 100%. Hard pass! I already walked away more than two months ago. Boundary or grudge setting boundaries will get pushback When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. Im writing for some feedback/advice, if you may be so kind. I have finally, finally made the break from my husband, after years of disrespectful and sometimes abusive behaviour. Because love and connection doesnt make sense in a situation like that. This is just what I needed to read today, so thank you so much, Natalie. woman on the rebound who knows he is not the right guy butcould trick[herself]into being with him.. Tinkerbellif I had been in your situation where I gave my heart, Id have to go NC. Kit-Kat, I suffer from the same problem. He came over to chat like an old friend and I introduced him to my friend. That would be a mistake. I also still feel a lot of responsibility for him, which was the other thing that kept me tied. The last time I saw him was a few hours after he left my bed and he had an actual girlfriend in his We had a several year long r/s, including living together that had been dialed back to living separately and dating. I screamed obscenities at him on his doorstep and went NC and remained that way until this recent contact. Practice empathy. If your first reaction is negative, it's likely that there is an underlying reason that you feel that way, even if you can't recall what that reason is.". "We don't hold grudges in this family" = I am in charge and I say you can't hold this against me. I am definitely tempted to do this! Doormatwhat a lousy situation. Youve already been supportive to me and I really appreciate it from you and all the others. But why should I stop going to events and meeting people just because of the AC. In all honesty, only a few. I am an adult now, not a child who depends on her for whatever scraps she felt obligated to dole out. Mymble I am so glad to hear how you are feeling. .What if they have changed? Trauma refers to your physical and emotional response to experiencing harm or violation. I was so wrong. Irritability towards someone you're working to forgive is a barrier to overcoming a grudge.". If youre a survivor of abuse or trauma, the concept of forgiveness can be a complex topic to discuss. I couldnt seem to break free. For me, its BAD men. she should just walk away whenever he approaches. Its not all about day one or week one for the book, and I dont want to resent it or myself. For your own emotional health at such an early stage of a break up dont do it. What a shame! Review/update the Not that youre planning to be persuaded by him, but remember his wanting to be friends is code for sex. Hes not a nice guy and I allowed him to treat me like shit and get away with it.Infact, Im not even polite when I see him now I respond with a Hey because thats all he gives me and I am getting over thinking I am being a bitch for acting this way. Today, I am still grieving, suffereing, felt tricked by him in the friendship last year, You would think after all the hardship we went through that now we would be more ready to make it work, but no, he said his feelings switched off long time ago, yet he kept wanting me around. He expressed his resentment of the new policies. DGzCarbon I feel like hes pushing it in my face to get a reaction from me. I have to say thanks to Natalies posts, and all your comments and support, I feel a whole lot stronger. He has all the lingo down to seem caring stating FWB is not what you want as it is diminishingoh how sensitive he seems NOT! Many years ago, I was seeing a guy who lived across the street. And the kids seem fine too. Thats a strong, beautifully empowering thought. The best revenge is your own happiness and success! Your response is keeping me strong. Thanks for reminding us of that . You will feel the difference. I would love you to write a post on this Nat. On some level what he did made you cringe, yet you are second guessing yourself. 2021; doi:10.3389/fpsyg.2021.656689. It didnt start out this way but 3 months into the relationship something changed. Aw mymble, I didnt know it was so bad. The last time was b.c despite him not once accompanying me to a single medical appoint, specialist, hospital rehab etc OR ever visiting me AT ALL to see for himself my condition, he had the audacity to say, he didnt believe I was as sick as I said I was. I asked my friend what she thought of him very pleasant and charming but with an eye for young women. Spot on! Im sure even though you may not be Christian, if you practice or still value the Native American doctrines there are bound to be some similar beliefs. these are the effs I do not give. Additionally, most individuals learn these habits as adolescents. Lisa- No, do not break NC. Perhaps you would have reacted similarly if you faced the same situation. And I feel like I am going backwards if I were to stay. You have helped me in the past and I wish I could say something wise to support you. Sadly, in its effort to garner empathy, a grudge ends up depriving a. For example, I was involved with a real AC and got some really amazing help on BR that helped me to go no contact and get over him. You feel great in the beginning (that high), then slowly, but surely You begin to feel the toll it takes on you, and those closest to you. Thanks dcd, yes it was my daughter and son seeing how he treated me that finally made me make the final breaktheir dad is not like this man at all so they have never experienced someone like this before and the day my daughter faced my ex AC clown and told him that she wished I would tell him to fk off was when I realised that while I was trying to keep my two lives separate it was impacting on my lovely daughter, who never swears let alone had ever hated somebody (and hate him she did). Anyways my first thought was to text him and tell him I forgive you and there are no hard feeling since our last interaction 7 wks ago me telling him to stop calling, it made me feel super guilty and I felt bad for him. My point is Thanks for putting it to me in light of drug addiction. I am thinking he cheated on me and still has someone in his life and that is why he is not contacting me. That worked. To hold a grudge is to disobey God's second greatest commandment to love our neighbor. He really doesnt deserve a harsh, bitter unforgiving attitude from me. Click here for an email preview. Your child may not see him in the same way as you and children (especially boys) do have a strong need to be around their male parent. We had a rough go of things when I was a teenager. This happened to me or similar. Thats the tricky part. But we really need to forgive ourselves. Mommy I dont believe that you need to forgive him, thats something only you can decide. She left me a voice mail message one day when I didnt do something for her fast enough. Well, ladies, thats male interest candidate #2 in cow-town. Hi Ladies and gents. It's less. To me forgiveness is not making some epic thing about how she wronged me and making her somehow see that. This is the first time ever -that I have felt that way. The person isnt going to (maybe cant) repay his debt to us so trying to collect the debt is futile. You made the right decision. But I dont forget, so I just suck up the awkward icy cordial thing when I see his wife now. It is constantly holding something over another person's head, not letting them recover from a past failure. What your friends ex is probably trying to do is blacken her name, hurt her if you become friends with him etc etc. You go through pain, you cry, you obsess (withdrawl), some time goes by without. Ready. Grace, you were right it was big let down. I cant turn off deep, authentic feelings. Remember your boundaries. Its such desperate and insecure behavior (which I dont find sexually appealing at all) that Ive tended to step back and observe it almost scientifically. I am 3 weeks into no contact-he sent me a few lame text messages and it is killing me. But. Did we do anything to earn His forgiveness? Its not fair to use another as a buffer to get over the ex as you will become a user and an AC. Dont make excuses for this idiot! We also end up deeply compromised in toxic situations due to our sense of duty to not make anybody feel bad and it gradually takes its toll. I am an intelligent professional woman-why cant I just forget this an move on. Thinking a bit more about what's going on can help you figure out if you're canceling plans because you truly want to stay in or because there's something else going on. I take it to mean all the people in church who wind me up because, you know, Im spending eternity with them. hll get the message! The difference is that Ive chosen to use this painful experience to grow as a person and that usually means letting go of the past and never looking back. You dont have the reserves necessary to consider other people at this stage and this is understandable given what you are dealing with emotionally. Having gone through 30 days of NC with my neighbour who literally lives eight feet away from me, across the hall, I kept falling back into how much I must have hurt him by rejecting him. React Reply zeroth88 Follow Xper 5 Age: 34 , mho 82% +1 y Courtney,If I read CC right, big bang nerdy guy is not the bad guy here. Block him from all social networking sites and anything that allows you to see into his life. Whenever you have a thought, track it. Do you think its mature behavior? Ever since then I never got involved with anyone who lived too close to me. Block this idiot. Were not holy rollers or bible thumpers but we do believe and we do attend church every Sunday. In: Integrative Medicine. Feeling bitter, ignoring that person, getting angry about unrelated things, and thinking about them negatively are all signs you could still be holding a grudge. He refers to women as sluts and has six on dial a lay. resentment noun. Good for you for not going along with that plan, because the outcome would have ultimately been much the same but you would feel worse. I will not let this experience defeat me. This again pulls the focus back on you and makes you look forward to the future. Its not a joke. The best revenge is indeed moving on and being happy. Im trying to bresk free of a habit, and sometimes think it could be different, and though it might be marginally different, the same basic ingredients exist and would have their same affect if i let them. Identify what needs healing and who you want to forgive. Okay, Nat. She has been told over and over that she cannot treat people the way she treats them and not have consequences. Is he so deleriously happy to have HER again he has no clue hes invalidated how I feelEXACTLY the way she does him?????? Hi Demke, so did my daughter, in the end I wasnt allowed to even mention his name to her lol she really hated how angry he was, and when I said that I got angry as well she said yes but yours is a sad angrysuch a wise soul. I gather OLD has a lot of people who have that agenda. and the terms "ill will / feelings" mean: Bad feelings between people because of things that happened in the past. I also observed undercurrents of hostile, disrespectful behavior. At first I thought he just couldnt help himself, it was just his way of relating to people, and he was so sweet and warm that it was no wonder he was universally well-liked, especially by women. Also supplement this with yoga to connect the relaxation of body and mind. holding a grudge = still being angry and bitter about the wrong someone did to you forgive but not forget = move on. He married that gf (maybe, already fiance?) Why Hints Are Clues To What's Really Up With Your Relationship. Are you a codependent who cant get your point across to someone trying to dominate you? And, of course I couldnt tell him I followed him and what I had discovered. Write a reverse thought that sends the power back to you (for example, if youre focusing on your exs harem, write about how there is nobody who is exactly like you in the world. I know it isnt so I will not be reaching out to him. Or unhealthy? "Resentment is the feeling we have been wronged by someone else and holding a grudge is the belief that we will feel better when we have shown the other person how angry we are," Carrie Krawiec, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Troy, Michigan, told INSIDER. Peace. I used to watch his house so that I would know when he went out, or who visited. She left another message very late at night asking me if I got it and if I liked it. It would be better for him if he had a millstone tied around his neck and was cast into the sea than to face God for what he did to this child! Jeez! Im still confused tho Nat. But I dont seem to find peace. Youve only got a limited amount of control over those you can choose which waves to ride (thanks, BR meme!) May get me fired but someone has to take a stand not be a mindless, obedient doormat. Sorta-slow-fade. The act that hurt or offended you might always be with you. However, we are not, as Christians, required to extend this forgiveness to unrepentant people, who in effect (and according to the Bible) become Gods enemies. Wanted to see whats going on. I am now interested in another guy and I thought he was a nice guy (just a friend right now), but I overheard him talking to another friend on the phone and saying that he loved our city because there were so many loose women and sluts so he could go out and get some every single night. Behaving just like a drug addict, withdrawing from the fix. Are you sure it wouldnt be an excuse to stay connected? When you say it out loud and try to stop them, they will fight back with everything they have. Yes, I have served our homeless community and havent always liked it but did it anyway, didnt think of comparing it to forgiveness but you are absolutely right. Good people should allow a person to have as many chances as they ask for and when our typical mode is people pleaser who worries too much about what everyone else thinks and silences their true self to follow shoulds laid down by the inner critic, we go against ourselves. I felt a strong attraction to him from day one mentally and physically and its hard to forget about it even though hes been saying these offensive things. When I said I wouldnt be staying with her anymore, she laid it on thick about how I should forgive, that I wasnt Christian, that families forgive, etc. can not afford to buy the book please contact Nicholas and he will give you a free copy.) Thanks for being patient with me! FLUSH. He replied were not over. Fortunately, I am was emotionally sober enough to realize that he was just trying to manipulate me into letting him do whatever he wants despite the torture it puts me through. Holding a grudge likely doesn't make you feel any better about what transpired, but sometimes it just happens. x, Hi JustHer and thanks, isnt it funny that this is how they think, that they have such selective memories in how they treated useverything he did was how Natalie has said it would go so instead of being blindsided it was like an aha momentI refused to be his bit on the side so out came the friend card lol onwards and upwards for all of us!!! Narc with more baggage than an airport. I just didnt see myself living with the b.s. ", When you think about them, your feelings are negative, "The best way to tell if you're holding a grudge is to use your memory," Sal Raichbach, doctor of psychology at, told INSIDER. When someone you care about hurts you, you can hold on to anger and resentment or embrace forgiveness and move forward. I know I didnt deserve the hand I was dealt. Getting Real About Recognising Inappropriate Relationship Behaviour: He Doesn't Need To Cheat (or Be 2005-2023 BAGGAGE RECLAIM. This post is really something to think about. Probably. I was strict NC with him for a really long time but even that became a non issue as time went on. information and will only use or disclose that information as set forth in our notice of Your explanations about why something is inconvenient, or abusive, goes in one ear and out the other. This reminds me of the dance AC whom I recently brushed off as having a flirting fetish and who my mother insisted liked me (so I let my guard down an inch). Just clarifying my thoughts! Forgive yourself for going back, or staying in something that you knew wasnt right, for you. Years may have passed since the event, but remembering it still makes your blood boil. Ive come to terms with it rather. I am now 20 days in NC and have stepped away from these friends as well. Here is his message hi!! I can see it in his eyes. They hate you, good bye. Same people. CC, I just read your comment. It is just getting through the days, not checking phone, email etc. Ive even noticed a pattern of late where I can even have a civil, superficially friendly rapport with a EU/AC romantic prospect but keep them at arms length (where they definitely feel the boundary), and thats probably because I called the shots in ending things. They dont want to look like a bad or unforgiving person and their show of faith that theyre not carrying around resentment, hurt or hostility is to squash down their feelings, opinions, needs, expectations, and wishes, as well as excessive use of the Reset Button erasing the past and conveniently resetting your recollection of things to a point in the past that allows you to pretend as if what followed never happened. I finally learned the lesson that I should of learned then. Ive kept my head held high, hid behind a smile and time has made it easier but boy has he spread some lies about me. When you share your feelings and your legitimate feelings make another person defensive, you are not being blamed for holding a grudge. Its a set up! When we walk down the street hes always constantly commenting about how hot every woman we pass is and even runs up to some of them and gives them his number and asks them to meet up later (he does this at LEAST once every time we meet up) and then he looks at me and my shocked face and then laughs. I am in the same position bad men are definitely my cross to bear in life. As much as I felt blessed to have run into man from high school and as much as I wish I had known him better then, Im still content to say no to high school reunions. Didnt I Mean Something To Them? Bottom linewe usually know (in our gut at least) if we are not being treated right or if something isnt right for US we need to trust our instincts on this and not put up with crap. I like this definition of forgiveness. I coach clients on this issue as well. He wants your forgiveness, which he probably interprets as you being okay with what he did. Access your favorite topics in a personalized feed while you're on the go. But it was so OTT at times, that I began making funny faces and blushing when I was with him, especially since he made no exception with me in applying his charming/seductive behavior. I dont know if hes being serious or if hes trying to seem masculine. NC 100% is the only path I need to be on. It brought back every bad feeling I ever had when I was a little girl. Im gobsmacked I declined, of course. The painful memories have to gradually recede on their own. I dont know if this helps but when you feel the urge to contact bear in mind that hes probably doing the same with other women too, and was all along. Yes, we have to forgive (up to 77 times which wasnt literal, but denoted the extremity of extending forgiveness) everyone, including our enemies, in the sense that we hold no hatred for them, (letting go as you mentioned), realizing that, if there is to be vengeance it is not ours, but Gods. So forgiving someone = loving them = ACTING on whats best for them = steering well clear so that they cant behave in a way that is bad for their soul. Fleeing is moving rapidly in the opposite direction, not dithering about to tell someone who doesnt even care that you forgive them. I agree that we probably agree more than Im realizing becausewellIm confused about what you mean. ago. If one day you wish to talk to me again, do so. There is a silver lining to everything. What I meant was that, no matter whether the person is repentant (and thus deserving forgiveness) or non-repentant (willfully sinning without remorse or change of action, in which case they are constituting themselves an enemy of God and we would be enabling them and condoning their behavior as well as siding with them against God by forgiving them), we have the responsibility for OUR side of the street, which is that we never pay back evil for evil towards them by our own thoughts, words, or actions. "Now compare that to how much emotional reserve you have towards someone you feel wronged you.